Voluble Reticent

Prologue:
“I am dying….. I am sorry…..I am really sorry….  I love you…..” faintly whispering these last few words, in a voice choking, yet firm…he fell in my arms that night, as I stood there in the parking lot,  being half out of breath myself.
 
Having lived a perfect 4 days, one of my best holidays ever, I could have never thought in my wildest of dreams, how gruesome the ending could be. After relaxing at the beaches of florida,  swimming over the tides of the sea, playing in the sands and the oceans, we stopped at a casino, that one last night, to get an experience of its kind, that would make our holiday complete. We played the slots, and some cards, we lost a bit, but it was all worth the fun and the excitement we had.. Not having much of a choice, and having tried  all cousines in the past few days, we ended up in this chinese restaurant at the food court. “Hard rock casino hotel” it was, and it really hit us hard on our face. A night, a dreadfull night, I would rather forget and burry deep down, out of my memories.
 
Being a fussy vegetarian, I took hours to narrow down to fried rice making sure it had no traces of flesh.  I take the blame completely now, to have completely forgotten the fact that meat eaters could have their preferences too. In the moment of madness, we ended up ordering a 2nddish, “The chicken rice”, completely forgetting the fact, we are now in US, where the definition and distinction between veg and non veg food is poorly understood. Where they pass on chicken as veg and sea food as herbs.. the gentleman at the counter conveniently forgot to mention, our chicken dish was fully loaded with shrimp.  Halfway through our meal, he realized what had been served was infact something that could kill him. A 2ndmistake now came into picture, where we thought just avoiding those pieces of poison, could save us the trouble. Not sure to call it carelessness, or were we too lazy to go and order something else? Or did we forget we are science students, especially me?  How could I let the situation go past this stage where I ended up making a joke of the  10 years of studying biology, so called -so closely. A doctorate student in making, what more could one ask? If commonsense was really uncommon, the “rote” and “learnt” knowledge should have stopped this getting out of hand. But like we say-  “when things go wrong, nothing really can stop it”.
 
He stopped eating, but it was almost the end, just like we say, “its way too late now”. Still not realizing, whats in store for us next, we walked to our car,  to get the inhaler. A puff could walk him out of the asthmatic attack, we were still so sure, 3rdmistake this was to think we are born doctors. The nerds who spend 10 years cramming those bibles, we were not them afterall, and it dint take long for us to figure it out.
 
He sat in the car, taking one puff after another. I tried to hold him, and pat him with my continuous quizzing on if he felt any better. The innocent child he was, gasping for breath, helpless he was, hoping to get better, he looked at me asking me to stay away to make space for a little more fresh air for his lungs. He nodded his head once, said he felt better, I still stood there confused, trying to assess the condition. Every second, his every movement and his grimace on the face with every breath that he failed to take, got me worried to death. 10 seconds were long enough to come up with 10 names or possible numbers where I could call. None could beat 911 ofcourse. I have never been so glad to be in US of A, as I was that night, when the paramedics responded to my call in 10 straight minutes. Those 10 mins still seemed to be the longest of my life, where I held him, and prayed and hoped for him to take 1 more breath till help reached us. He is strong I must confess, he did everything he could manage in that state. Finally gave in when he was losing control of his breath, he told me to call someone for help. I almost ran to one end, was ready to sprint faster than I ever ran my 100 metres on a track. I would have done anything  to get help, but he stopped me, from going out of his sight. I only realised more, how much he needs me and has lost control over himself. I stood there trying to calm him down, while being on the phone with 911, trying hard not to panic. As he sat on the car seat, losing control of his body, he lay his weight on me and I tried hard to keep him straight. Those 10 long mins, a million things went through my mind, where talking to the operator was not the only major task I had,  I tried not to let him pass out and hide my fears as well. Then came the moment of truth when he mustered those words.. “Im dying ” he said, and he had’nt been louder than this , in the whole episode of his choke.  I am strong I had thought, but not enough to take these words. “No , u are not”, I said, as I broke down eventually.  The female on the other side of the phone, stayed by us till the cops reached us, and she reminded me , I need to calm down, if I have to get this through. I held my breath once more, was almost preparing to give him a CPR, when he opened his mouth once more, and said “I love u ” this time. I stood there numb, out of speech this time, and he carried on, ” I am sorry he went on…” I held on to my fears one more time, and tried to keep him quiet and calm. More determined I was this time, to get him to the ambulance, before he blacks out. He finally lost consciousness and fell completely on me, barely being able to move, I blew the horn for 10+ seconds and the cops were at the spot. Less than a minute it was, that he lay still, and the cops asked me to step out as they took charge.
I breathed a sigh of relief, he still was not conscious, but I trusted the paramedics of the country, and I knew we will be out of trouble soon. I stood there, answering questions, as more people kept pouring in. same questions, repeating same phone numbers, names and DOBs, releating our adventurous story with the dinner, I still stood there, while glancing him moving his lips. I am sure he carried on with his aplogies in this semi-consious state as well. We could babrely hear him now, but I knew him too well by then, to only guess whats going on in that innocent mind.  As he lay on the floor, I saw docs pouring in, measuring blood pressure and pulse and repeating and reiterating the fact he is still breathing. … 90/70 it was, will I ever forget these figures?? A huge red truck with a competent paramedics staff he was loaded into, as I still stood out answering a few more questions. Did he take drugs was 1 question, alcohol was next.. as they pinned down to the allergies and mediction he has been taking. Can I come along was my only question, while I was told to only follow in our own rental car.  Do u have a licence was the next quiz question for me, confidently I answered yes.. fearing the next question- insurance? Knowing I don’t have one, I answered the previou ques even more confidently, and it worked. I was never asked… as I drove that rental car without insurance in my name. a ticket that I could get, was the last thing I cared that minute. they worked on him for 20 mins on the spot , as he remained out of my sight in the truck. They talked to me meanwhile instructing me further plan of action. They said I am doing well, little did they know how much I was scared. The cops left, as I followed the ambulance to the hospital. Those 12 miles of drive as I rushed past the roads, 11 at night it was, where I was only guessing whats going on inside the vehicle moving in front of me. Passing each traffic signal with the hope I am not forced to jump a red light, I reached the hospital emergency, only to be told to take a seat and wait outside. Minutes turned to an hour, where I stood there walking from one corner of the waiting room to another. I was told to take a seat , yes, im sure they were not thinking, thers way too much going on for me to settle.
70mins I waited, and was briefed by a nurse, who only prepared me for the worse, saying it will be hard to see him this state. With my fingers crossed, I walked into the chamber where he lay still with tubes all over him. Just the fact he was stable, allowed me to stay calm, as I stood there again staring every inch of him. He moved and resisted, with every movement or prick they made on him. He revolted helplessly and showed his pain only subdued by the sedatives overloaded on him. It broke me completely to see him in pain even under the influence of doses of medicines that could put me to sleep for days.   They loaded, and loaded more, IV and drips, loaded him through all routes, to put him to rest and sedation. I still moved with every line of pain I saw on his face, only to relax to recall, he is now safe and in good hands, he was then transferred to ICU.
 
I talked to 1 nurse after another, and every doctor who came in, all said he is doing good except for that 1 nurse who stole all my peace of mind for the night. Trying to prepare for the worst , she only ended up telling me, he might not ever wake breath on his own, when ventilator is taken off. Not being able to get those words out of mind, I stood there in ICU waiting for the morning, almost counting every minute.
The night was long, and cruel, some 4 hours it was before I got the next news. An Indian doc came who said they are  lowering his oxygen support slowly and consistently. And then the next one came, saying he should not resist the withdrawal attempt, which could make it only worse. I stepped up and stood by him, I was hoping to give him a secret msg to stay calm. I held his hand, hoping for him to understand my silent support. I whispered his name too and told him to stay calm, I knew he would listen.
And then the moment came again when I crossed my fingers and said a few prayers, they asked me to steo put, while they took that tube off his mouth. He was as calm as the sea at night, he was “my good boy”! the tube was out, as I walked in, I smiled at him and he looked up at me, only to indicate how tired he felt. He pointed at the watch and the first question he asked was- “our flight” (that we missed). I just patted him back and said, “don’t worry about anything, all has been taken care of”.
As he got back more control over himself, we continued to stay by each others side, and those 2 days in ICU, seemed like a formality now, we knew we are better than that. With the event of collapse that he survived through, we now know we can handle anything. And afterall, life only gets better with experience.
 
 
Epilogue:
We snatch our chances and fight destiny, we endure the games, life makes us play each day. In the end, we move on stronger, fitter and happier. He is a winner for me, and he pulled me through it too.

Don’t make me miss u

Il turn a lunatic writer

Come and write my thesis instead,i wont mind turning a biographer

Drive me past the driveways

I will keep those cones at bay

Take me to our neverland

I bet we’l better that Disneyland

Its too late to make sense anymore

Or call it fatigued-poetry

Saturation personifies stupidity,

But well, did I ever make sense before??

So three in a day , or did I mean an hour??

a poet is what they call me

and I still say, this aint an art

sleeping aid is one name

or call it a “missing u game”

did anyone every say, a poet has an aim?

Just to make it longer,

I type a few characters, bit stronger

Oh did that rhyme again?

I am sure now, how I am insane

 

As twilight draws the curtain and pins it up high,

an innocuous effulgent face, lightens up my sky.

As it peeps through the trees and envelopes the darkness,

dew drops leave the petals, to meet the rays of heavens.

 

My thoughts with me, run past all alleys

I look, I sigh deeply…..

The dreams, the fantasies of a new world-beauteous.

Like the quiet sea; no waves, no splashes, no tides to capsize.

I see a new world, dawn of a new morning.

As a new born, I wait- I hope- I know.

 

An oasis in a desert- barren,

mystifying more than a tree gold-laden.

Thers a song in the air

the breeze of rythem, the rhyme of the trees

swaying the leaves in tune.

And a drizzle percussion.

A song of music of a mystery whispering…

 

My heart wanders in the mists dense

following its echoes aimlessly

the world around-standstill.

 

My heart reaches out, groping in the darkness for a flash UNKNOWN.

Wandering like a lost wing for a light house in the ocean vast,

it explores the path untrodden.

Dreams of green pastures and deep woods,

where the flowers bloom, the herd gathers.

 

The heart wanders away; it sways like the cool breezy evening

and laughs like an infant.

Where one can sing in freedom,

where the voice echoes as it rebounds from the mountains

and my heart leaps with joy.

 

This is how I felt, after it all happened in a flash!!!

Trickling through the shores,

gusting thru the leaves,

a seraphic light, reaches out to me.

A silver lining in my sky this evening,

I ponder over the secret message, the birds have brought tonight.

Is the time changing?

or am I on my path to eternity??

A mystifying breeze indeed, has cuddled me along.

As twilight draws the curtain,

and the moon light seals its fate;

I traverse this journey today

that changed my way, THIS DAY…

 

Nothing for myself from God I asked,

those around me, I prayed for all.

Everything for them, their happiness to see

will fulfill their hopes and my dreams.

 The wishes true, blossoming to make my world bloom.

 

A free bird I was, flew to every branch in my environ.

Stern as a rock was I, still too soft for a feather in a flock.

Nothing could dishearten me, no obstacle to thwart my spirit

to find a smile within a frown, was my goal.

 

I laughed, when all though I must cry

I smiled, when they gave me pain

I thanked, when the world cursed destiny,

I rose and marched ahead when I could have stopped

I walked and walked, I walked ahead of time.

 

To be magnanimous and to give altruistically is what I always wanted.

To accept sorrow gracefully, coz no joy comes without it.

To let go sportingly, coz what goes around comes around

To hold on firmly& be proud of what I have got.

 

None could deter my vision, my path and my goal.

It was indeed my own sweet world.

The sea, the flowers, the birds- all were beautiful,

and so was my SOUL.

So innocent, so transparent, so pure.

 

Then one appalling era came when everything else was the same,

but I transformed.

A notion that appeared and a conception that began to set in,

molded my thoughts, my life and my destiny.

 

I drifted towards an untrodden path that I fear walking on today.

It wasn’t the same anymore.

 No melody in the chirping birds,

no gaze in the rising sun,

and I lost my own soul, I was once proud of.

 

I am an entity I fear myself.

The other shade of my dual personality has taken over.

This is how I am known today,

and it fears me to death.

Like a lightening flash, it took my smile away,

and like a moron, I let everything slip away.

 

I run from my voice, coz it seems too harsh,

I run from my shadow coz it seems too dark,

I run from my heart coz it beats somewhere else,

I run from my people coz they seem to be strangers.

I run from myself, coz its not my own.

 

I welcome strangers to get lost among them,

I look for weird identities to relate to them,

I run from the mirror to run from myself.

I look for shady corners to overshadow my dark self.

 

I look for noise to mask my own,

I walk south when I ought to go north,

I run hard when I should stop

and I frown when I have to smile.

 

Often I question myself

about the wrong and the right.

Is it the storm to blame? Or the trees blown down?

Is it the cause of the violent seas or the one force to capsize?

Its probably none but myself to blame,

for living , this moment.

 

To be all alone with my lonely self is all I desire,

in this world of multitude,

I seek morals to behold.

My lonely world with not just loneliness,

but myself - all ALONE.

 

No rainbow to brighten up my life sky,

the 7 colors merging to give a black shade

hovering over my head at all times.

At this juncture, when I look up at the twinkling stars,

I just have one thing to say-

” Starlight, star bright, the first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might

I wish my wish comes true tonight.”

 

To get back to my lonely self is all I desire,

a spirit to call my own

a soul, with abundance of compassion, depth and nobility.

To rise above the oceans& climb the mountains once again,

to fly like a free bird and to sing like a nightingale.

To swim across the ocean vast & sway like the autumn leaves,

to laugh like an infant & to start a life afresh.

 

Leaving behind this material world,

coz an hour of laughter can wipe the sad traces,

just a little happiness to live, is all I seek.

 

This is what I dream of,

every time I look up at u,

r u listening? My night sky!!!